Good Help Is Hard To Find
by Secret Space Mouse
Summary: Never one to take conquest seriously, Zarkon spoofs the "Wear Sunscreen" speech in his commencement speech to the Doom Trooper Class of 3049. Originally published in 1999.


Good Help is Hard to Find  
A Commencement speech given by Zarkon, King of Doom

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Doom Trooper Class of 3049... good help is hard to find.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, it would be this. The long-term benefits of having good help have been proven, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests.

I will dispense this advice now...

Enjoy power.

Do not underestimate the awesome majesty of your ships and robeasts, but do not over-estimate them either. Even if you have the best fleet in the universe, trust me, in twenty years, you will look at the holographs of your fleet and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully naive you were, and wonder how those pieces of junk could have been part of the fleet of Doom.

Conquest is not as hard as you imagine.

Don't worry about the Voltron Force - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make Lotor understand that not all blonde princesses are named Allura. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind - something like a saboteur's attack on the Pulsar Cannon at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Keep in shape. Do in at least one Doom Trooper every day.

Scheme.

Expect blind obedience; don't put up with people who disobey you.

Hate.

Train your Doom Troopers in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a space explorer at 10 meters will be used for target practice. This goes for your generals too.

Remember not to let the little things in life disturb you; ignore the irritating whining of your idiot son. And if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your royal scepter near you at all times. It's a powerful symbol of your power and majesty and it also makes an effective club to batter people unconscious with.

Destroy.

Kill all sickeningly cute animal sidekicks on sight. Show no mercy. Many a perfect scheme has been ruined by a pair of pink and blue spacemice capable of untying ropes and filching keys.

Have plenty of minions.

Maybe your son will marry, maybe he won't. Maybe you can manage to arrange a marriage between him and a woman who can help you in you campaign of hatred and destruction. Maybe this time, you can manage to find someone without a deep rooted desire to be _good_.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. But above all, try to resist the temptation to gloat over the Voltron Force's predicament before killing them.

Fear is your friend. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be ashamed of what other people think of your "barbaric, murderous ways." The ability to paralyze someone with fear is a useful skill that could save your life.

Kill.

Do NOT allow yourself to be made into a ro-beast. Not only will it make you feel ugly, it'll make you vulnerable.

Design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding

structural supports which the Voltron Force could use for cover in a firefight.

Be nice to your slaves but keep them in their place. You never know when a disgruntled space explorer and a kidnapped princess may decide to lead a rebellion against you.

Understand that while lackeys come and go, there are a precious few that you should keep from turning into ro-beasts. They may actually be more valuable as living shields.

Be assigned to Neeve once, but leave before you freeze.

Be assigned to Tyrus once, but leave before have too much fun.

Travel. Preferably in a heavily-armored battle cruiser with a built-in escape pod AND a ro-beast to provide cover-fire.

Accept the inalienable need to treat representatives of Galaxy Garrison with respect. It will be difficult, but try not to taunt or threaten them. Instead, let them know that you have seen the futility of your evil ways and that you have decided to become an " _Ambassador of Peace_."

Honor? What's honor? Go back on your word. It'll be good for your soul.

Live forever. But if you can't do that, then don't publicize your plans for your son to rule after you. It'll just give him dangerous ideas and increase the possibility of your untimely death.

Don't strike down the kings of planets you want to conquer. Trust me on this, you'll never be rid of them. Their ghostly forms will keep on appearing before their daughters, becoming even more of a headache than they were before.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but listen to mine, or I'll throw you in the Pit of Skulls and leave you there to die. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the need for good help.


End file.
